Treading Water in the Land of Missed Opportunity

Sometimes it takes just getting good and mad, I guess.

Coming back to this wasteland of a blog that for nearly 2 years now, I promised myself I would tend to like fertile soil has only been met with fits and starts that would aggravate even the most patient. It's not even because of lack of interest or not seeing a return on posting - there's a host of reasons I suppose, all mainly driven by fear that have caused me to all but abandon something that is actually life-giving and redemptive, if only just to myself.

(Also, the irony that the length of time I've struggled with motivation and consistency for this endeavor directly matches the length of time I've been squarely in the vice of "survival mode only" isn't lost on me.)

Nonetheless, I'm not sure what has driven me back to post today other than some rage-driven strength that won't allow my words lay dormant any longer.

I've been battling an illness now for roughly a couple of weeks - standard Kentucky-bred shifting-weather-I'm-a-teacher junk that slowly kept pushing me further down until I succumbed and went to the doctor last week. A couple of shots a good prescriptions later, I felt like the world would be set right within a matter of days, as is usually the case.

Not this time. I was dead wrong.

The first day or two were pretty typical - I felt crummy, but somewhat improved, thanks to the steriod shot of course, but also had a general notion that overall improvement wasn't far behind. I returned to school on Friday (Halloween), and by the end of the day realized I had made a dire mistake as I was completely spent and reeling in pain. Trying to "push through" to salvage the evening for my kids, led me to nearly not being able to get out of bed the next day for diabolically-scheduled early morning soccer games to open our November. I couldn't remember a time when I had physically felt so badly. And what was worse, it was not just the symptoms of what I had previously suffered with that were bothering me, it was so much more. Fever, malaise, brain fog, A C H E S. Oh my gosh, aching like I have truly not felt in a long time, if ever. Nothing helped. Advil and Tylenol were like drinking water - no effect whatsoever. I finally turned to some oral steroids I had in order to function and was able to at least drag myself out of the house for the games, but was immediately back in bed for the entire day. I was certain I would feel better after resting all day and that my healing could get back on track by Sunday.

Again, wrong.

I woke again to another high fever and the bone-breaking aches that threatened to take me out. Thankfully, knowing what allowed me somewhat function the day before, I threw everything I could by way of Advil, Tylenol, and a steroid in order to finally rally myself coherent enough to let my worship leader know I was not at all well enough for church and then lay back down to try to piece together what in the world was going on.

Finally, after dragging myself into the urgent care for a second look at what was going on, it was determined I was suffering from cytokine storm because of how out of balance my thyroid hormones are due to Hashimoto's.

Ah, yes. A problem for another day that had suddenly made itself TODAY'S problem.

I've had this happen before (a long time ago), and thankfully, I wasn't in full-blown high-level organ shut-down or anything so being treated with the hormones I need and anti-inflammatories to calm the "storm" is all that is necessary, but man. What a ride. It's 24 hours later and I'm still nowhere near 100% but maybe I'm turning a corner. Fingers crossed.

I say all that to say that this has been the typical flow of life for me for the last, oh, LONG WHILE. Despite doing everything "right," the 'worst' happens. Kind of a damned-if-you-do thing. Over and over and over again. I could list a million or more things as of late that have had this same pattern. To the point that it's honestly baffling.

And infuriating.

So here I sat, using yet another sick day from school when we're barely a quarter of the way through the year, getting angrier and angrier by the second at the plight of my woes, and I realized a couple things.

First, after scrolling WAY too much during this immune-system fallout, I have realized that if I don't start doing this now, I'm never going to. Because I wasn't tired enough to sleep, but well enough to be actively doing anything, I spent too many hours watching people sharing their lives - their wonderful, horrible, interesting lives through the lens of social media, reading their stories, watching their processes, laughing and crying with whatever they choose to share, and I'm over here like some chump wondering why I'm going to be lost in obscurity one day and people will never even know I existed. I liken these "couch revelation" moments as I like to call them to the episode of Friends when Joey and Chandler decided they were wasting their lives, so to counter

that, they decide they're going to climb Mount Everest. Spoiler alert, they don't do it. In fact, they so quickly talk themselves out of it (with Phoebe's help) that it's almost become a hallmark of our generation. We sit idly by, watching, entranced, at the world around us, but never truly participate in it! That's a hundred other posts in itself, but the point remains, passive living isn't going to cut it. I've followed the rules, I've done the things "right," and let me tell you, I still have no control over what happens, so moving forward with what feels scary or silly or insignificant may just be the key to more fulfillment. Certainly better than the alternative, I believe.

And secondly, let this be a message that sometimes anger can be healthy and maybe even something God uses to pull us out of our comfort zones into more He has for us. I have no idea where any of this will take me, but I know without a doubt that it's the one thing I have formidably avoided in the myriad of attempts to improve my situation over the last couple of years. God used healthy anger many times throughout the Bible to prove a point, like with the Pharaoh and the Israelites. Also, God often uses his anger as motivation for justice. So maybe, instead of wallowing at my laughable circumstances and shaking my head mumbling, "can't win for losing," I can use the motivation to seek good and share with others when I do. And I certainly don't want to look back and say one more time, "if I'd only been writing..." and miss an opportunity that could have presented itself.

Hopefully this time though, I won't be so easily lured away from the Mount Everest that is this blog as Joey and Chandler were. I mean, it's just steep, right? What's so hard about that?

If this post resonated with you, check out the "Everest Expedition" and "Couch Revelations Lead Revolutions" merch in my shop!